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Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains

Pastor and speaker Mark Gungor delivers his comedic marriage seminar analyzing cognitive, physiological, and emotional differences between men and women. He contrasts the compartmentalized male brain and 'Nothing Box' with the interconnected female cognitive network, providing behavioral strategies for communication, stress management, and marital intimacy.

TL;DR Pastor and speaker Mark Gungor delivers his comedic marriage seminar analyzing cognitive, physiological, and emotional differences between men and women.

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Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains

Overview

This recording captures Mark Gungor’s foundational marriage seminar, "A Tale of Two Brains," part of his Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage series. Gungor, a pastor and relationship speaker, uses stand-up comedy, anatomical models of the brain, and whiteboard illustrations to deconstruct the neurological, physiological, and emotional differences between men and women. This document provides a complete synthesis of Gungor’s seminar, covering the male "compartmentalized box" system and "Nothing Box," the female "interconnected wire" system, differences in stress processing, multitasking vs. single-tasking, communication translation, sexual dynamics, and behavioral strategies for conflict resolution.

0:00 Introduction and Relational Physics

Mark Gungor introduces the seminar as "a marriage seminar for people who hate marriage seminars." He observes the contrasting attitudes of couples arriving on Friday night: wives are typically enthusiastic and excited, while husbands often arrive reluctantly, anticipating that the event will criticize men for not thinking or behaving like women. Gungor clarifies that his approach does not bash men, emphasizing that men and women were created fundamentally different for specific reasons.

He outlines the foundational premise of the seminar: men and women frequently transform what are essentially "head problems" (cognitive and neurological wiring differences) into "heart problems" (moral or emotional deficits). When a spouse behaves in a way characteristic of their gender's wiring, the other spouse often misinterprets it as an intentional lack of love or emotional failure.

Gungor introduces the concept of relational physics: immutable laws that govern relationship outcomes regardless of a person's religious, ideological, or personal beliefs. Just as the physical law of gravity pulls anyone down who steps off a ledge—whether they believe in gravity or not—the relational laws operate objectively. Following them fosters a healthy marriage, while violating them inevitably produces distress and conflict.

6:21 The Ox and the Manger: Accepting Marital Messes

Gungor humorously quotes 1 Corinthians 7:8, 28:

"It is good for a man not to marry... But he who marries will have trouble in this life."

He explains that difficulty in marriage is not an indication that something has gone wrong, but rather the normal state of two different people uniting their lives.

To illustrate this, Gungor cites Proverbs 14:4:

"Where no oxen are, the manger is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox."

On a monitor, he displays the formula: $$\text{Ox} = \frac{\text{Pooh}}{\text{Increase}}$$

[On-Screen Monitor: 08:26]
Text: "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean"
Followed by: "But much increase comes by the strength of the ox."
Mathematical joke: OX = Pooh / Increase

Gungor explains the metaphor:

An ox provides immense productive power, work capacity, and agricultural increase.
However, having an ox inevitably produces manure ("ox poo").
If one wants an entirely spotless manger, they must get rid of the ox, but in doing so, they forfeit all the productivity and benefits that the ox provides.
In marriage, the relationship brings enormous benefits, support, and companionship (the ox), but it also brings unavoidable messes, frictions, and frustrations (the manure).
Couples must accept that there is no such thing as a "mess-free marriage"; success lies in maintaining a favorable ratio of positive value to inevitable mess.

8:38 Statistical Benefits of Marriage

Gungor counters modern cultural skepticism toward marriage by citing demographic and sociological data regarding married versus single individuals.

[On-Screen Monitor: 08:44 - 09:35]
Title: Married People
• Healthier
• Happier
• Make more money
• Have better sex
• Live longer

Health and Longevity: Married individuals live significantly longer and have fewer chronic health crises. Gungor notes that remaining a single adult male carries a health risk comparable to smoking two and a half packs of cigarettes a day.
Happiness and Finances: Statistically, married individuals report higher baseline happiness and accumulate greater household wealth over a lifetime compared to their single peers.
Sexual Satisfaction: Counter to media portrayals of active single life and sexless marriages, empirical research consistently demonstrates that married couples experience more frequent and qualitatively better sex than singles.

Gungor argues that despite these benefits, many marriages falter because couples are culturally uneducated about relational dynamics and break basic relational rules.

16:00 Men's Brains (Boxes) vs. Women's Brains (Ball of Wire)

Using two physical models of human heads with exposed cerebral hemispheres on pedestals, Gungor contrasts the neurological organization of male and female cognition.

The Male Brain: Compartmentalized Boxes

A man's brain is composed of distinct, isolated "boxes" dedicated to specific subjects:
A box for the car, a box for the job, a box for the money, a box for the kids, a box for the wife, etc.
The Core Rule of the Male Brain: The boxes do not touch.
When a man discusses a subject, he locates that specific box, pulls it out, opens it, discusses only what is inside that box, closes it, and carefully puts it back away without letting it contact any other box.

The Female Brain: The Interconnected Ball of Wire

A woman's brain is configured like a vast, highly charged ball of wire where every single component is connected to every other component.
The car connects to the job, the job connects to the money, the money connects to her mother, and the mother connects to the children.
This cognitive network is powered by emotional energy, which functions like electrical current throughout the system.
Because memories and thoughts are permanently tethered to emotional valences, women exhibit far superior recall of detailed relational history compared to men.

19:42 The Male "Nothing Box"

Gungor identifies a unique compartment in the male cognitive architecture: the Nothing Box.

This box contains absolutely nothing.
It is a man's favorite box. Given the choice, a man will retreat into his Nothing Box repeatedly.
This explains why men can engage in activities that require virtually zero active mental engagement for extended periods—such as watching mindless television, changing channels aimlessly, or staring at a fishing bobber for hours.
Gungor cites neuroimaging research from the University of Pennsylvania showing that men possess the neurological capacity to drop brain activity into a baseline idling state that resembles cognitive inactivity while remaining awake and functional.
Women's brains do not have a Nothing Box; their cognitive network runs continuously. Consequently, women often find it incomprehensible and deeply frustrating when a man appears to be doing, thinking, or feeling "nothing."

23:53 Stress Handling and Communication Dynamics

Gungor illustrates how the structural differences in male and female brains manifest when dealing with stress.

[Whiteboard Diagram Concept: 25:00 - 28:00]
Male Stress Response: Stress -> Retreat to the "Nothing Box" -> Cognitive Rest
Female Stress Response: Stress -> Verbal Processing -> Emotional Discharge

When a Man is Stressed: His instinct is to disconnect, isolate, and retreat into his Nothing Box to decompress. The last thing he wants to do is discuss his stress.
When a Woman is Stressed: Her instinct is to talk. If she does not verbalize her emotions and process the connected thoughts aloud, her anxiety escalates.
The Resulting Conflict:
A woman senses her husband is stressed and tries to help him using her female framework: "Talk to me! Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
The man interprets her probing as an intrusion into his decompression space and resists, responding with "Nothing," which further aggravates her.
Conversely, when a woman is stressed and begins unloading her thoughts, the man applies male logic: men only verbalize problems to seek solutions. He immediately begins offering fixes: "Why don't you do X? Why don't you quit?"
The woman does not want solutions; she wants empathy and active listening so she can emotionally process the situation.

32:08 Vocabulary Differences and Decoding Signals

Gungor moves to a whiteboard to demonstrate how identical words carry vastly different definitions depending on whether a man or a woman speaks them.

[Whiteboard Notes: 32:15 - 34:55]
1. 5 minutes
2. Nothin'
3. (Sigh)
4. Go Ahead

flowchart TD
    A[Expression: 'Go Ahead'] --> B[Spoken by Man]
    A --> C[Spoken by Woman]
    B --> D[Permission Granted: He is being polite and accommodating]
    C --> E[Dangerous Warning: It is a dare; doing it will lead to conflict]
    E --> F[Result: The Deep Audible Sigh]
    F --> G[Conflict over 'Nothing']
    G --> H[Withholding of Intimacy for at least '5 Minutes']

Breakdown of Terms:

"5 Minutes": - For Men: Approximately five literal minutes. - For Women: An indeterminate placeholder representing an elastic period of time, often extending significantly longer.
"Nothing": - For Men: Literal absence of thought, agenda, or emotional concern. - For Women: A serious, layered issue that the husband has failed to perceive, signaling impending danger.
The Sigh: - For Men: A physiological expression of contentment, relaxation, or relief. - For Women: A non-verbal declaration that the man has committed a severe behavioral or perceptive blunder ("You are an idiot").
"Go Ahead": - For Men: Genuine permission or courtesy. - For Women: A conditional dare. If a man proceeds when told to "go ahead," it triggers an emotional grievance.

38:15 Single-Tasking vs. Multi-Tasking and Selective Hearing

Gungor addresses communication breakdowns caused by processing styles:

Men are Single-Taskers: Men focus on one cognitive task at a time. When a man is engaged in reading the newspaper, working with tools, or watching television, his brain shuts down peripheral sensory channels, including auditory processing.
Women are Multi-Taskers: Women easily manage simultaneous streams of attention—such as watching TV, talking on the phone, preparing dinner, and monitoring children.
The "Selective Hearing" Fallacy: Women frequently accuse men of "selective hearing," assuming men deliberately choose to ignore them. Gungor shares a personal anecdote where he underwent a clinical hearing test at Eye and Ear Associates in Green Bay, Wisconsin, convinced he was going deaf because he continually missed things his wife said. The audiologist concluded that his physical hearing was superior to average.
The Mechanism of Male Auditory Focus: When a man is focused on a task, he genuinely does not hear conversation occurring outside his immediate focus. If a woman attempts to deliver critical information while a man is engrossed in an activity, his brain automatically issues reflexive grunts ("uh-huh") without encoding the data.
Practical Rule: Women must establish eye contact, ensure the current cognitive "box" is closed, and allow the man a moment to refocus before communicating important information.

57:30 The Mechanics of Intimacy: The Heart and the Stand-Off

At the whiteboard, Gungor diagrams the biological and emotional cycle of intimacy between husbands and wives.

[Whiteboard Diagram: 61:48 - 63:48]
Diagram elements drawn by Gungor:
- Top: A large Heart (representing the woman's emotional intimacy/relational security)
- Bottom: A small Smiley Face (representing the physical/sexual intimacy desired by the man)
- Arrows illustrating the cyclical requirement between Heart and Physical Intimacy

flowchart LR
    subgraph Female Requirement
        H[The Woman's Heart] -- Unlocks --> S[Sexual Intimacy]
    end
    subgraph Male Requirement
        S -- Unlocks --> H
    end
    H -.->|The Great Stand-Off: 'I won't give sex until you connect emotionally'| Conflict
    S -.->|The Great Stand-Off: 'I won't connect emotionally until we have sex'| Conflict

Key Elements of the Intimacy Cycle:

Male Drive: A man's desire is physiologically regulated by testosterone, which builds steadily on an average cycle of approximately 72 hours. To a man, physical intimacy is not a luxury or an afterthought; it is his primary doorway to emotional connection and vulnerability.
Female Drive: A woman's sexual desire is intrinsically tied to her emotional state, safety, and relationship health (her "heart").
The Stand-Off:
The woman demands: "Connect with my heart, be nice to me, talk to me, help me, and then I will be receptive to physical intimacy."
The man demands: "Be intimate with me, and then I will feel close to you, motivated, and emotionally warm."
Resolution: Both partners must recognize this dynamic as a biological and psychological design. Gungor explains that women hold the keys to this dynamic: when a wife understands that physical connection motivates a man to pursue her heart, she can use this understanding constructively rather than defensively.

78:05 How to Get a Man to Do What You Want

On the television monitor, Gungor presents four clear, behavioral guidelines for women seeking to influence and motivate their husbands without breeding resentment.

[On-Screen Monitor: 78:07 - 93:52]
Title: How to Get a Man to Do
1. Ask him more than once.
2. Ask him the right way.
3. Train him with Positive Reinforcement.
4. Barter with him.

1. Ask Him More Than Once

Women naturally operate under the premise that asking once is sufficient, and asking a second time constitutes "nagging."
Because men are single-taskers and compartmentalized, requests frequently fail to register on their priority list after a single mention.
Men do not interpret repeated, neutral requests as nagging; they perceive them as clarification of importance. Nagging only occurs when emotional hostility and contempt are added to the request.

2. Ask Him the Right Way

Do not insult or belittle the man's intelligence or capability (e.g., "Are you blind? Can't you see the laundry?").
Insulting a man triggers his defensive hostility or passive-aggressive withdrawal, ensuring non-compliance.
State the request clearly, plainly, and directly without condescension.

3. Train Him with Positive Reinforcement

Gungor compares motivating a man to training a chimpanzee: behavior that is rewarded is repeated; behavior that is ignored or criticized is abandoned.
Men thrive on genuine appreciation, even for modest domestic contributions.
When a wife expresses vocal, appreciative praise for completed tasks, the man feels competent and validated, which intrinsically motivates him to complete future tasks.

4. Barter with Him

Men understand commerce, trades, and direct exchanges from their vocational lives.
Explicit bartering provides clear terms and immediate incentives (e.g., trading a chore for a specific privilege, activity, or intimate favor).
Gungor notes that indirect hints fail, while direct, reciprocal agreements eliminate confusion and frustration.

99:27 Body Image and Self-Perception: The Song of Solomon

Gungor examines the psychological contrast in how men and women perceive their physical appearance:

Men’s Perception: Men consistently overestimate their physical appeal. Despite age, hair loss, and weight gain, a man looking in a mirror generally feels satisfied with what he sees.
Women’s Perception: Women are chronically prone to harsh self-criticism, often feeling inadequate regardless of their actual physical beauty. Gungor cites advertising, airbrushed media, and unrealistic societal standards as primary drivers of female body insecurity.
The Biblical Example: Gungor refers to the Song of Solomon (Song of Songs) from the Old Testament, where the male lover praises his bride’s body in poetic detail:

[On-Screen Monitor: 106:14 - 109:08]
Excerpts from Song of Solomon (Song of Songs):
• "How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter!"
• "Your graceful legs are like jewels..."
• "Your navel is a rounded goblet..."
• "Your waist is a mound of wheat..."
• "Your breasts are like two fawns..."
• "Your neck is like an ivory tower."
• "Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus."

Gungor highlights that the biblical text celebrates real, imperfect human bodies—such as an outie navel, a rounded midsection ("mound of wheat"), modest breasts, and an prominent nose ("tower of Lebanon"). He emphasizes to women that husbands are not seeking an airbrushed supermodel; a woman's greatest physical attractor is her self-confidence, warmth, and self-acceptance.

116:56 Guy Flicks, Chick Flicks, and Going Back for the Girl

In the final segment, Gungor contrasts the narrative archetypes in media preferred by men versus women, identifying the deep, shared longing beneath both:

[On-Screen Monitor: 127:49]
Screen Graphic: "Go Back for the Girl"

sequenceDiagram
    participant Husband as Husband (The Hero)
    participant Quest as Career / Personal Ambition
    participant Wife as Wife (The Girl)

    Husband->>Quest: Pursues adventure, work, goals
    Note over Husband,Quest: Risk of forgetting the relationship
    Husband->>Wife: Stops, turns around, sacrifices ambition
    Note over Husband,Wife: "Goes back for the girl"
    Wife-->>Husband: Confirmed love and lifelong loyalty

Guy Flicks: Dominated by high-stakes conflict, clear moral lines, visceral physical action, and violent triumph over adversaries.
Chick Flicks: Dominated by dialogue, relationship complexities, emotional connection, and romantic pursuit.
The Unifying Archetype: In both genres, the climax hinges on a single universal truth: the hero must go back for the girl.
In action movies, no matter how intense the war or the mission, the protagonist abandons his safety and objective to rescue the woman.
In romantic dramas (such as Jerry Maguire), the protagonist realizes career success and wealth are meaningless without the woman he loves, culminating in his return and declaration: "You complete me."

Theological and Relational Conclusion

Gungor connects this cultural archetype to the biblical narrative of Genesis and the New Testament:

The First Adam: In the Garden of Eden, Adam stood passive and silent while the serpent deceived Eve. Instead of defending, protecting, and rescuing her, he acted like a coward and failed to protect his wife.
The Second Adam (Jesus Christ): Sacrificed Himself at great personal cost to rescue His bride.
The Mandate for Men: Gungor charges husbands to reject passivity, careerism, and emotional retreat. While men are wired to seek adventure and professional conquest, they must never allow their ambitions to eclipse their primary commitment: they must always sacrifice their comfort and go back for the girl.

Data & Visuals Index

Timestamp	Visual Type	Content Description
04:34	Monitor Slide	Text: "It is good for a man not to marry."
05:04	Monitor Slide	Text: "He who marries will have trouble in this life."
06:21	Monitor Slide	Scripture: "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean..." (Proverbs 14:4)
07:14	Monitor Slide	Scripture: "...But much increase comes by the strength of the ox."
08:26	Monitor Slide	Formula: $\text{OX} = \frac{\text{Pooh}}{\text{Increase}}$
08:40	Monitor Slide	Bullet list: Married People are Healthier, Happier, Make more money, Have better sex, Live longer.
16:08	Physical Prop	Anatomical male head model: Mark demonstrates the compartmentalized "boxes."
18:14	Physical Prop	Anatomical female head model: Mark demonstrates the "interconnected ball of wire."
20:08	Physical Prop	Mark demonstrates the "Nothing Box" on the male brain model.
32:15	Whiteboard	Mark writes vocabulary translations: "5 minutes", "Nothin'", "(Sigh)", "Go Ahead."
61:48	Whiteboard	Drawing of the Intimacy Cycle: Heart (female need) vs. Smiley Face (male need) and the standoff cycle.
80:07	Monitor Slide	Title: How to Get a Man to Do — "1. Ask him more than once."
87:07	Monitor Slide	Title: How to Get a Man to Do — "2. Ask him the right way."
88:17	Monitor Slide	Title: How to Get a Man to Do — "3. Train him with Positive Reinforcement."
93:52	Monitor Slide	Title: How to Get a Man to Do — "4. Barter with him."
106:14	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter!"
106:25	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your graceful legs are like jewels..."
106:37	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your navel is a rounded goblet..."
106:59	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies."
107:27	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your breasts are like two fawns..."
107:46	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your neck is like an ivory tower."
108:21	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus."
109:08	Monitor Slide	Song of Solomon text: "How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!"
127:49	Monitor Slide	Summary Graphic: "Go Back for the Girl"

Key Takeaways

Cognitive Architecture: Men process life through compartmentalized, separated "boxes" (focusing on one thing at a time), while women process life through an emotionally charged, interconnected network ("ball of wire").
The Nothing Box: Men need regular mental downtime in their "Nothing Box" to relieve stress. This is physiological, not an emotional withdrawal or a personal slight against their wives.
Verbal vs. Internal Processing: Stressed women require verbal processing and empathetic listening to discharge tension; stressed men require silence and cognitive rest.
Task-Focused Hearing: Because men are single-taskers, women must gain their visual and focused attention before communicating important requests; background announcements are filtered out.
The Intimacy Cycle: Men connect emotionally primarily through physical intimacy; women become physically receptive through emotional connection. Breaking the resulting standoff requires conscious cooperation rather than withholding.
Effective Requests: To motivate men, women should ask directly multiple times without emotional hostility, eliminate insults, offer positive reinforcement and gratitude, and use clear bartering.
Self-Confidence over Perfection: Men are not looking for airbrushed physical perfection; an attitude of confidence, self-worth, and openness is far more attractive.
The Hero's Responsibility: A man must not allow his professional ambitions, leisure activities, or passivity to make him neglect his family; he must actively prioritize and "go back for the girl."

Transcript

Englishen80.7k chars

Hello and welcome to Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. I'm so glad you're here. This is the marriage seminar for people who hate marriage seminars. Oorah! All right. I get a kick out of watching the couples when they first come in on Friday nights, you know. The girls, they're all lit up, you know, just, "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I got him here! I got him here! I got him here, you know!" And the guy's going, "Oh man, I can't believe, you know, I got here." But it's cool, guys. You can relax. You're going to love it. This is not one of those "let's beat up on the men for not being women" seminars. Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. What is it with that anyway? Man! You know, you ask a lot of women to describe their ideal man, and they'll describe another woman. What's up with that? You know. So we're not going to do that. We are going to just go with this thing in a normal, healthy way. We're men. Men are men. We're not sick, we're not perverted, we're not twisted, you know. We're not broken. We're men. All right. And God—yeah, oorah! And God made us the way we are for a reason. And I'm going to show you girls what that reason is, okay? And I'm going to try and explain to you the world of men a little bit through this thing. We'll also discuss the women's side of things as well. But I really want you to understand this men thing. Women are much more complicated than men. Men are very simple. Simple: S-E-X, simple. All right? So That's what I'm talking about, okay? So we're going to have fun. We should have a really, really great time. Now tonight, we're going to do a session called "The Tale of Two Brains." Hence, the two brains. And we're going to be discussing how men and women think very differently from each other. Why is that important? Because men and women are very quick to make into heart problems what are essentially head problems. A woman acts a certain way, a guy feels she doesn't care about him. He says, "Well, there's something wrong with your heart. You don't care about me." No, no, no. It's the way she processes information. The same with a guy. A man thinks in a certain way, and a woman thinks, "There's something wrong with his heart." No, it's his head, okay? So I'm going to try and explain to you what that's all about. Then tomorrow morning, we're going to do a session called "Why does he do that? Why does she do that?" Okay? See, it's one thing to understand men and women in general. It's another one to understand the one you got stuck with. Okay? So I'm going to show you how you can discover specifically what makes your spouse tick. And it's powerful information that will absolutely revolutionize your relationship. All right. Then we're going to do what I call the "Yo Mama" session. And it's called "The Number One Key to Incredible Sex." And boys, if you miss that, there's just something wrong with you, okay? So you got to—you got to check it. And then we're going to end with how to stay married and not kill anybody, okay? All very deep emotional stuff. Now, a lot of people say, "Well, what's your background? What's your deal?" Well, my background is that I'm a minister. Now, if you're not much of a churchgoer, don't let that make you nervous. Some of my biggest fans are heathens. All right. And this isn't one of those things where we sneak you in and then beat you over the head with the Bible, all right? But I do have a Bible verse I need to show you, okay? Because I found a Bible verse that if you follow the advice from this one Bible verse, you will never, ever, ever have a problem in marriage. How many think that's worth seeing? All right, you follow the advice from this one verse, you'll never have a problem in marriage. It says, "It is good for a man not to marry." All right? You say, "Well, now why would he say that? That's such a terrible thing to say." Because he goes on to explain: "He who marries will have trouble in this life." You know, people come up to me, "Pastor Mark, Pastor Mark! Something's wrong, something's wrong!" I say, "What is it?" "We got trouble in our marriage!" I go, "No, that's about right. Hey! There ain't nothing wrong. That's pretty normal." Now, you don't hear these verses read at weddings very often. Kind of downplay that, you know. You don't see those on Hallmark cards. You don't see them on cakes with pretty calligraphy: "He who marries will have trouble, but it's too late for you!" You know, just You say, "If that's the case, then why get married?" Because marriage is absolutely wonderful. It's great, it's fantastic. But it's not that it's without trouble, all right? And I want to show one other verse to you. Now, you don't have the deep theological training that I have, so you might have a hard time understanding this verse, but I'll try and explain it to you. This is found in Proverbs, and it goes like this: "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean." Let me explain that to you, okay? What does that mean? What it means: if you're going to have an ox, you're going to have ox poop. All right? Now, if you don't like poop—and most of us are not real big fans of poop—if you don't like poop, the temptation is: get rid of the ox! Preach it, brother. No, no. No, no. But I don't want you to get rid of the ox, all right? You know. So, "Why would you keep the ox around?" Because he goes to the second half of the verse. It says, "Because much increase comes by the strength of the ox." Well, now there's the catch-22. On the one hand, we all love the benefit of the ox. But nobody likes the poop! And what he's trying to tell us here is: you cannot have one without the other. There is no such thing as a poop-free marriage! It just doesn't exist! Unless you shoot the ox, okay? But that leads to other problems. So this weekend is not about attaining a state of perfection in your life, all right? It's about getting a proper positive-to-poop ratio in your life. You see, because if all you get is poop, then you got one sick ox. Are you hearing me? All right. So, but there's no such thing as a poop-free marriage. For those of you having a hard time grasping this, I have a mathematical version of it. It goes, ox equals poop over positive, some say positive over poop, but anyway, it's the ratio that we want to get going here, okay? Now, marriage is a wonderful institution. Statistically speaking, we know that married people are healthier than single people. They are actually happier than single people, assuming you're doing this right. Or you can be profoundly unhappy. They actually make more money than single people, and I'll mention a little bit later why that's true, okay? They have better sex than single people. Now, you don't see that in our culture, you know, in all the movies and shows. You know, it's the single people all having really great sex, you know, and the married people are just, "Ugh." You know, someone will say, "Well, how's your sex life?" "Are you kidding? I'm married! Ha!" You know. And it's not true, it's a bunch of baloney. Okay? Married people have great sex compared to single people. Single people don't even know what they're doing, for crying out loud, okay? And statistically speaking, married people live longer than single people. This is particularly true for men. Statistically speaking, one of the most dangerous things a man can do in America today is remain single. It is the equivalent of smoking two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. It's true. They found that if you take someone who has two and a half packs of cigarettes a day, and the health problems, and the shortness of life, and all the difficulties, and a single guy is pretty much the same. I guess the worst would be a single guy who smokes two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. All right? But marriage is wonderful, it's great, it rocks, I love it, okay? If you do it right. Now, the problem here is so many people don't do it right. And it's not that they don't know—not that they don't want to do right, they don't know what to do. We live in a culture today that seems for somehow in the relationship area to be completely clueless. We seriously don't know what to do. Now, this weekend, what I want to do is show you specific things you can do that will absolutely energize and transform your marriage life. How many think that's worth hearing? Yeah, okay. So, now, I want to talk to you about what I call the laws of relational physics. You see, the laws of physics affect everybody, whether you believe them or not, okay? If I step off this stage, I'm probably, in all likelihood, going to go down. If I start floating around, you might want to freak out and run. But why? Because the laws of physics—"Well, I don't believe that!" Doesn't even matter what I believe. I'm going down, right? Doesn't matter if I'm a born-again Christian, doesn't matter if I'm a heathen. It's that I'm going to—because it affects everybody. Well, just like that, there are laws of relational physics, and they affect everybody, whether you believe them or not. Now, this might come as a little bit of a shock to those of you who are church people, especially hearing from a minister, but the truth is, you don't have to be a Christian to have a great marriage. I know a lot of heathens that have wonderful marriages. I know a lot of born-again Christians who have horrible marriages. Why is that? They're breaking all the rules. And they assume somehow that the rules don't apply to them, but they do. Here's an example. If you're driving a car 80 miles an hour around a curve that says only 40, and you keep going 80, chances are you're going to get hurt. Even if you're listening to a Christian radio station. Even if you have a statue of Jesus on the—he might be going, "Aah!" you know, but Why is that? Because the laws of physics still affect you, but for some miracle, you're going to get hurt. Same true with relational physics. And I want to explain that to you, and we'll take a look at that. Now, this weekend, I'm going to be speaking to you in basic stereotypes. In other words, women generally tend to be a certain way; men generally tend to be a certain way. But they're not all that way. I get it. Okay? Some of the people just have a cow. "Oh, that's not true for all of—" I'm admitting it's not, all right? Just generally speaking, we don't have time to get into all the shades of gray. But generally speaking, men are a certain way, women are a certain way. If I start describing something that's not you, don't have a cow, just interpolate for your relationships. In Debbie's and my relationship, there are areas where we're completely the opposite of a typical man and a woman. I remember when I was first studying this stuff, I thought, "Oh, man! I'm a woman." So just interpolate. I will say this: that if you tend to be one way in a certain relationship, your wife generally will be the other way. I don't think I've run across a couple yet—I'm sure they're out there—that act the exact same way, you know? So if you break the rules, chances are your spouse is breaking them right with you, and you just flip on this deal, okay? For example, a typical stereotype: men are more interested in sex than their wives. Why would you say that? Because generally, it's true. But it's not always true. There are a lot of relationships where the wife is much more interested in sex than her husband. If you're here tonight and your wife is much more interested in sex than you are, I think I speak for all the men here when I say that we hate you. Please don't tell us who you are. We will hurt you, all right? So So just go with the flow, it'll be cool. We'll have a great time discussing this thing about marriage. Now, I believe marriage is a life-giving institution. We live in a culture today that believes marriage is a life-sucking institution. It will suck the life out of you: shh-shh-shh! All right. And that's why we say: make sure you're old enough, make sure you have enough money, make sure you have enough education, make sure you've been dating for 37 years first, make sure that, you know, all this stuff. Why? You got to get everything together and ready so that when you say, "I do," you can withstand the "Aaaaaaaah!" But it's not that way. It'll give you life if you'll do it right. If you do this right, marriage can be the closest thing to heaven on earth. If you do it wrong, well, you fill in the blanks, okay? So now, we're going to start discussing men's brains, women's brains, and how they're very different from each other. Now, I want to start with men's brains, all right? Now, men's brains are very unique. Men's brains are made up of little boxes. And we have a box for everything. We've got a box for the car, we've got a box for the money, we've got a box for the job, we've got a box for you, we've got a box for the kids, we've got a box for your mother somewhere in the basement. We got boxes everywhere. And the rule is: the boxes don't touch. When a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box. All right? And then we close the box and put it away, being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes. Sorry, my Catholic upbringing got in there for a minute, but I'm not a Catholic, but I went to Catholic school when I was little. I had a nun who taught on hell like she was born and raised there. I mean, I'll never forget it. But it did me good, actually. It was a good thing. Now, women's brains are very, very different from men's brains. Women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire. And everything is connected to everything. The money is connected to the car, and the car's connected to your job, and your kids are connected to your mother, and everything is connected to everything! It's just like— It's like the internet superhighway, okay? And it's all driven by energy that we call emotion. It's one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. Because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory, and you can remember it forever. The same thing happens for men. It just doesn't happen very often because, quite frankly, we don't care. Women tend to care about everything! And she just loves it! Okay? Now, men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. This particular box has nothing in it. True. True. In fact, we call it the "Nothing Box." And of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the Nothing Box is our favorite box. If a man has a chance, he'll go to his Nothing Box every time. That's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead for hours on end. You know, like fishing. And we love it. That's why a guy can sit in front of the TV and go It glows! Of course, this drives our wives nuts because they'll come up and say, "Stop that! You can't possibly be watching anything!" "I'm not." "Go away." Now, they've actually measured this. The University of Pennsylvania a couple of years ago did a study and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. You know, they connected all the wires and stuff like that and watched the brain activity, and all of a sudden, it hit, "Pee-e-e-ep! I think he's dead!" "Huh?" You know. Women can't do it. They can't do it. Their minds never stop. And they don't understand the Nothing Box, and it drives them crazy! Because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes her feel more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing! Now, one of the biggest revelations I get out of women is this whole Nothing Box issue. They just, "Huh! Everything's starting to make sense!" And I've had women say, "Oh, it's nothing—can I go in his Nothing Box with him?" No! "Why not?" Because then it's something! Besides, you'll walk in there and go, "You know, this place could really use some pictures. Nice little table over here, some flowers." No! Nothing! Get out! We don't want nothing! Now, this handles the way men and women handle stress, okay? When a man is stressed out, all he wants to do is run to his Nothing Box. This is how we unwind. The last thing we want to do when we're stressed out is talk about it. We don't want to talk about it, we just want to Of course, this drives her nuts, you know. A woman will see a man in that vegetative state and she'll come up and go, "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "Well, you've got to be thinking about something!" "Nothing about nothing. In fact, I was on a roll till you showed up. Go away!" All right? Because that's how he handles stress. He just Now, when a woman is stressed out, she has to talk about it. If she doesn't talk about it, her brain will literally explode. So she'll start just, "I don't know, might have something to do with this and that, or remember that, and I never thought about this, my brother over here told me..." And I know men who run from their wives when they do this. I say, "Why do you run from her?" He says, "'Cause I don't know what to tell her!" I said, "Dear God, man! Who told you to tell her anything? She don't want you to tell her anything!" See, a lot of guys, they feel obligated when you start explaining all your stress, they feel obligated to fix you. Right? 'Cause that's what a man does. A man only tells his troubles to another man in hopes that that man will help fix it, okay? But she's not a man! And you try and fix her, she going to kill you! All right? She doesn't want your advice. She doesn't want your help. She wants you to shut up and listen! And a couple of ladies, "That's right! You tell him! Tell him to shut up!" They like that. Now, I had one guy tell me, he said, "Man, if she'd just tell me how she feels!" I said, "She doesn't know yet!" He said, "What do you mean?" That's how she figures out how she feels, by connecting this wire to that wire, this wire to— Now, because they love each other, they offer to each other their answer, their solution. A man senses his wife is stressed out. He loves the girl. He offers to the girl his best and finest solution! "Why don't you just quit talking about it? Just quit thinking about it." And that's when she starts reaching for the knives and stuff. She's going to stab you if you keep it up, okay? Now, a woman, she senses her husband's all stressed out. She loves him. Therefore, she offers to him her best and finest solution! "Talk to me! Why won't you talk to me? Talk to me!" "Go away!" He doesn't want to talk to you! Leave him alone! He will not die! He's not a woman! All right? I know you've got to talk it through or you're going to be twisted inside. He's not like that! Leave the boy alone! You tell he's stressed out? Just let him go to his Nothing Box. Just stay away. Stay away, okay? And it's hard for us to understand that because we think so differently from each other. Now, not only does this affect the way that we respond in stress and stuff, the way our brains are wired also affects the way that we use words, okay? Men tend to use less words than women. That's because the women have all the wires they're trying to connect, and they've got to explain each and every connection! Now, they say that if a man needs to speak 10,000 words in a day, a woman needs to speak 20,000. My wife says, "That's because we've got to repeat everything we say!" To which I responded, "Huh?" Where is my darling redhead? Is she around? Come up here, I want you to meet my wife, Debbie. Come on up here. People say, "Well, doesn't she talk too?" Nope. Not to you, anyway. She talks to me, but she won't—she won't talk to you because she doesn't want to talk to you, that's all. Where's my tablet here? I want to show you something about the whole words thing. You know, they actually measured this. They went in and studied children and babies and found out—they actually went and took cameras and put them in nurseries and analyzed the pictures later. And they noticed the pictures of the little girls, right from the get-go, their mouths were just going. It's true! It's true. And then they analyzed the pictures of little boys, and they're just They're still thinking, "What was that? I want to go back! I don't get it." Okay? Then they went and they recorded conversations of little boys and girls on playgrounds, and they went back and analyzed them. And they discovered that little girls love to talk. They were very articulate, love to use full sentences, just love to talk. And if they didn't have anybody to talk to, they were perfectly content to talk to nobody! And they would just—just complete sentences. Then they analyzed the conversations of the little boys, and only about 55% of it was intelligible. They couldn't understand what they were saying. That's conversation to a man, okay? Now, not only do we use different amounts of words, words can mean different things to men and women. For example, to most men, five minutes means five minutes. To a lot of women, it can be an indefinite period of time. "Are you ready yet?" "Five more minutes!" As we discussed, men understand "nothing." Women don't understand the significance of nothing. If a woman says "nothing," look out, it's something! "Hi, dude, man. Dude, man, I don't know what happened, man." "Why? What happened?" "I don't know, I asked my wife what she was upset about." "What'd she say? What'd she say?" "Well, she said nothing." "Get out of the house, man! Run now! Get out!" Now, this is not a word, it's a vocalization. It's a sigh. Now, when a man sighs, it means everything is good with life. When a woman sighs, it means you are an idiot. Now, when a man says, "Go ahead," he's being polite. When a woman says, "Go ahead," she's giving you the opportunity to explain whatever stupid thing it was you just did. But you need to be very careful in the explanation, because it's very likely to be followed by a sigh, which will lead to an argument over nothing. And then you ain't going to have sex again for at least five minutes. Women's brains come with lots of extra RAM so they can remember the details of everything! Men's brains come with only the minimum basic requirements to keep us breathing and eating, okay? That's why men, a lot of men, we don't hang on to lots of details. They don't stick with us, you know? When an event happens, we just categorize it as an event, all right? Whereas women, it's not just the event, it's all the details connected with an event. You run into this when a friend of your family or something will call, and she just had a baby, and then you tell your wife, "Oh, so-and-so called, they had the baby." And she'll say, "Well, what was it?" And he says, "Well, it was a baby." "Well, what kind of baby?" "I don't know, it's a baby! What difference does it make?" "Well, how long was it?" "I don't know! How long, how tall, how much did it weigh? I don't know, under 20 pounds!" But this detail, detail, detail. You know, a woman will come up to a guy and say, "How was your day?" And then we go to the RAM, and all that's there is that it was a day. And we say, "It was fine." And she'll say, "Well, what happened?" And we go to the RAM, and there's nothing there. And we panic! And we go, "Nothing." But women, they've got all this— That's why when a guy retells a story, it's usually pretty much as a bottom-line kind of thing: "What happened? This happened, that happened, we're done." When a lot of women share what happened, they relive the event in excruciatingly painful detail. I mean, you are there, you know? And it can drive, you know, couples can really fight over this. My wife and I still fight over this one, you know? This just drives us crazy, you know. Sweetheart, when your husband asks the question, "What did the plumber say?" he really doesn't want to know what he said! "Well, I said, 'How you doing?' He said it was fine, and I said it was a pretty nice day we're having. He said, 'Yeah, do you got any kids?'" "No! What did he say? Bottom line!" Details. Men's brains, women's brains. It also affects not only the words we use and stuff, but also it affects how we listen. Yeah. Women listen, but we listen too. We're just different. A lot of women say, "You know, men's problem is they got selective listening." You know what that is, right? That's when the wife will say something like, "Honey, go to the store, lay down the mulch, wash and wax the car, get the kids at school, rent some videos, and finish the rest of the dishes." And then he runs that through his selective filter, and all he hears is, "Honey, go lay down and get some rest." Okay? But that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm really talking about is the difference between single-tasking and multitasking. By and large, again, interpolate for your relationships. Again, not everybody's the same way, but by and large, men are single-taskers. We do one thing, and we do it pretty well. Women can handle lots of things. Guys aren't wired that way. That's why it's not a good idea to put a man in charge of more than one kid at a time. We can handle the one. "Well, sweetheart, you're doing such a good job with Johnny! Wow. Well, where are the rest of the kids?" "We got other kids?" But men, we're just very— I'm a classic single-tasker. I'm so bad, I'll be going along, and I'll forget the one thing I was doing! I'm completely lost. I need to reboot my brain to say, "Whoa! Where am I?" You know? But men, generally speaking, we do it. Now, what we do, we do very well. One of the reasons that men are so good at what they do is because of this ability to completely focus on just one task. Men usually will rise to the top of any profession, even those dominated sometimes by women. The best hair designers in the world a lot of times are men; best cooks in the world, men. Why is that? Because we have this unique ability to focus on just one thing and do it extremely well, okay? Women are wired differently. You know, my wife can be in the living room watching TV, reading a book, making knickknacks, and talking on the phone all at the same time. It's just amazing to me. Of course, I'll come in, and I'll assume she's not watching TV. "Hey!" "What?" "I was watching that!" "How can you be watching that? You're making knickknacks and—" "Put it back!" Now, this affects the way that we listen, because when a man is doing something, he generally cannot hear anything. It's just true. Women are not like that. Women can be doing lots of things and holding three different conversations. You know, she'll walk into a room, and she'll see her husband reading the newspaper, and she assumes, "I multitask, therefore, he must multitask." But he's running the newspaper-reading program, and he can only run one program at a time. He's not hearing Jack! And this makes women very angry. But you just need to come over, and you got to close the newspaper-reading program, you got to load the "Listen to Me" program. But you got to wait a minute, he needs to reboot. "I didn't know you was here." You know. You laugh, but I'm serious, girls. If you see a man doing something, unless he's wired differently, do not be giving him vital information! 'Cause this is a train wreck waiting to happen. You'll have this conversation again, when you swear he told you, and he swears you never told him. You know you told him, but in his brain, you never said Jack to him. The problem here is, guys, we get ourselves in trouble because men have this natural defense mechanism that at all costs, do not stop doing what you're doing. So when someone starts talking to you, we automatically have this defense mechanism that goes, "Uh-huh. Yep. Uh-huh, uh-huh." And we keep doing what we're doing, and she thinks you're listening to her. But you're not listening! You need to stop what you're doing. You're big boys, stop what you're doing, turn to the girl, and pay attention to her. So it's not all on the ladies. You're big boys. When she starts talking, stop! Listen to the girl, and then let him go back to what he was doing. Sounds fair, right? Well, I started doing this, and I thought, "This is great. I'm doing a lot better. I'm watching the single-tasking. Yeah, okay, what, what, what?" And then I'll say, "I didn't hear that." And I'll make her back up, and she'll tell me the info, and I got it. "Okay, okay." And I was doing a lot better, but still, I was getting myself in trouble. You know, she'd walk up and say, "It's six o'clock, are you ready?" "For what?" You know, that happened to half you guys tonight, right? "We're doing what?" "I told you!" "No, you didn't!" "Yes, I did!" And off to the races we would go, and I thought, "Man, what in the world? Because I'm watching the single-tasking. I don't remember her saying anything about—" and I thought I was losing my hearing. So I went to a doctor. True story. I went to the doctor, and I walked in, he said, "Well, how you doing?" I said, "I'm okay." He said, "What seems to be the problem?" I said, "Well, I think I'm losing my hearing." And he says, "Well, you know, you're getting up there in age, you know. Ears are one of the first things to go." And I said, "Well, if that's one of the first, I can handle that." We'll talk more about that tomorrow. But So he says, "Well, go over to Nurse Ratched, she'll test your ears," you know. So I follow the lady, and I walk into this room, and they got this cheap box on a table with some real chintzy headphones. And she says, "All right, now, put on the headphones. When you hear the beep, raise your hand. If you don't hear the beep, don't raise your hand." Apparently, I look really stupid. So anyway, I turned around and we began. Pretty soon, she goes, "Really? You can hear all that?" I turned around and said, "Yeah, why?" She's hitting the box, "Piece of junk! What's the matter with this thing?" I said, "What's the problem?" "According to this, you can hear what cats and dogs can hear. I don't know what—" She's hitting the box. She says, "I'm going to send you to a specialist." You ever been to the specialist? You know, they got this yo mama soundproof room, you know, the thick door, you know. You know, you got the persons, you know, sit behind the glass, you know, you feel like you're in a people aquarium. "Sir, would you sit out?" But anyway, so at the time we lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and right downtown Green Bay, there was a place called Eye and Ear Associates. I'd never heard of them before, I had no reason to hear from them. But she's—she said, "I'm going to send you to these people. They have all this fancy equipment." And so she takes the doctor's pad, and she writes "Eye, Ear," and she abbreviates "Associates," and hands it to me. I said, "What kind of doctor is this?" It's a true story. She says, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, I've heard of eye, ear, and throat." "I ain't never heard of this!" She said, "Let me see that. Oh, I'm so embarrassed! I'm so embarrassed!" So she wrote out "Associates." I went, "Oh, oh, okay." Thought I was going to be in for a very uncomfortable test there for a minute. So I go to the eye, ear, and, you know, doctor. And I get in there, and I sit down, and she's behind the glass, and she has to push the button to talk: "Okay, now put on the headphones. When you hear the beep, raise your hand." Spun around, and we began. I kid you not, she goes, "Really? You can hear all that?" I felt like a moron, all right? I take the printout to the specialist, he goes, "What are you doing here? You got better ears than me!" I said, "I don't know, man. She says, 'Are you ready? Six o'clock,' and I'm supposed to know what she's—" So I go home, and I walk in the door, and she says, "Well, what'd the doctor say?" She doesn't sound like that, by the way. I say that because people used to come up and say, "You know, she doesn't have a voice like that." I just do it for effect. By the way, we've been married for 32 years. And we have two grandsons. Very cool. Beautiful boys. One's 10 months old, the other one's eight, and they are just such a delight. I love grandchildren, 'cause now it's payback. "Here, kiddo, you want some more sugar? There you go! Okay, bye!" You know. My son Philip's here with us, he's running the audio, and on our 30th wedding anniversary, Phil gives me a call up, and he says, "Hey, Dad. 30 years. That's really something." I said, "Well, thank you, sir." I said, "But you know, truthfully, Phil," I said, "it only feels like 10 minutes." He goes, "Really?" I said, "Yeah, 10 minutes underwater." Oh, lighten up! All the girls: "Oh, I can't believe he said that! What is she going to think?" It's just a joke, box, all right? It's just a joke. So I come back from my ear thing, she, "Well, what did they say?" I said, "Well, they said I can hear what cats and dogs can hear." She says, "Well, that's not your problem. Your problem is you just don't pay attention!" And I thought, "Wait, but I've been paying attention! I was watching the single-tasking thing, and—" so I thought, "I'm going to do a test. I want to see how far she gets away before I can't hear her." So the next day we were sitting in the kitchen, and she comes up, and she's talking to me, "La-la-la-la-la-la-la." And I go, "Uh-huh." And then she walks a little bit further away, she says, "La-la-la-la-la-la-la." I go, "Okay, I can hear that." And she gets a little further away, "La-la-la-la-la-la-la," just doing her multitasking thing. Then she goes into the living room, "La-la-la-la-la-la-la." And now she goes into another room, she's now on the other side of the house, still talking to me! I said, "Hey!" She yells back, "What?" "I'm on the other side of the house!" She goes, "Ah, you don't listen anyway!" The next day, I caught her. This time, she goes upstairs. She's on another floor! Still giving me vital information! That's when it started dawning on me. Wait a minute! We might single-task, but these women so multitask, they just keep doing what they're doing, and whether or not you're in the same area code is irrelevant! Irrelevant! It's irrelevented, if that's a word. I had a guy the other day, he says, "You know, my wife's like that. She'll be talking to me, she's by the dryer, and she'll be telling me something important, and then she'll stick her head in the dryer, reaching for something, and, 'Boy, you better do that, or you're going to be in big trouble!'" She still does that to me. We'll be like a real busy highway, all kinds of noise, and she'll be talking: "You know, something that's really important—so you better be careful about—" "What? I didn't hear what you said!" Laws of physics, girls! It applies to you! It would help if your husband was in the same area code, okay? Now, I first shared this story at a men's conference that I was speaking at, and I thought it was just a funny story that had happened to me. But as I'm sharing it, all these men's heads are going I had one guy come up to me afterwards, he says He says, "You know, Pastor, I'll be in the bathroom. The door is closed. The fan is on. There's tile everywhere, so sound just bounces around in there. I'm standing there. All I can hear is the sound of rushing water. And she's still talking to me!" You know, I figured out that's why we miss sometimes, girls. "What? What?" Another mystery solved! Girls, don't be so multitasking that you're doing a gazillion things, giving him vital information, all right? And especially if he's doing something. I'm telling you, this simple thing that I'm talking to you creates more arguments and more frustrations in marriages, and we're fighting over nothing! Well, you know you're really married to a multitasker when during a moment of intimate passion, she suddenly blurts out, "Oh, by the way, the plumber says the toilets are broken!" Focus, woman, focus! But man, she can make love to you and plan next week's dinners, and, you know, just You know, think about the toilets, all the same to her. I need my tablet back up here. I want to show you something. In no other area do men's brains and women's brains—do men and women think more differently than in this area of sex. And we'll get into it in a lot more detail tomorrow. But I want to show you something here that I think will be of great interest to you. Give my lovely assistant a hand. Now, sex is a pretty big issue, particularly for men. For us, our sexual interest peaks at about age 18, and then goes down from there. So if you were to chart it out, it would look like something like this: it peaks at about age 18 and then goes down, and then you're dead. Now, something that's important for women to understand: when it comes to this area, we're no longer driven so much by our brains or by our hearts, but it's by a chemical. It's called testosterone. And it runs through our blood, and it drives us crazy! If you girls knew how much testosterone drives us crazy, you'd be more disgusted with us than you are right now. We downplay it, man. And listen, I'm telling you, as funny as this little chart is, and as true as it is for so many men, if for some reason, as a man ages, his testosterone levels begin to decline, his interest in sex will start to decline. And if his testosterone level drops dramatically, his interest will go way down. Same head, same heart, same guy, and now he's not interested in sex. You treat that man—and it's very easy to do with testosterone supplements—and boom! He's the same wild man you married. Same head, same heart, same guy. Now he's, "Come here, baby." All right? So this is not because we're sickos, it's not because we're perverts, it's not because we're broken. God wired us this way, and He did it on purpose. "Well, what was that purpose?" Now, I'm going to show you in a minute, but you just need to really understand this. And the truth is, when we get this rush of testosterone, it just messes with us. Now, for the love of God, don't raise your hands, but Most men will admit that we usually receive a testosterone rush usually very early in the morning, and for no reason at all! Ten-hut! And it just wakes us up, just But we're not thinking about anything! All right? And that's usually when a man reaches over and whispers those three words every woman loves to hear: "Hey, you awake?" We'll be talking more about that tomorrow, okay? All right, so why does God wire men this way? Okay, now to explain this, I need to do an anatomy lesson, okay? Y'all okay? "Hang on, Marjorie, he's going to draw pictures!" It'll be okay. We'll keep it clean, okay? Now, we'll call this the girl's heart. And in the interest of keeping everything at least PG-13, we will refer to this as the place of happiness. I had a lady come up to me recently, and she goes, "Man, I can't even go to Walmart anymore! Smiley faces all over the place!" Now, at some fundamental level, this is every man's basic interest in a woman. It's true, it's true. Now, women say, "Well, that's terrible! It shouldn't be about that. It should be about companionship and fellowship and sharing." Girls, if your husband was interested in companionship, fellowship, and sharing, he'd have gotten a golden retriever. He's interested in this, and he's supposed to be. That's the way God wired men. But what men fail to understand is the key to this is this. And if a man successfully touches this, she gives him the green light, and now he can touch this. So this sex drive, guys, is God's way of constantly reminding a man—and it keeps coming back, like never stops, you know—on average, a man will feel the need for a sexual release about every 72 hours. That's every three days. Some more, some less. "Mine, my husband's every 72 minutes!" But that's your problem. But anyway, But seriously, the reason that keeps coming back is to motivate the man to be nice to the girl. It's not so you can just go, "Hey, you awake?" Are you hearing me? A lot of guys do that. As soon as they feel the buzz, they're just reaching for the girl. "Come here, baby, come here, come here!" Don't be a moron! She won't want to come here. The reason that buzz hits you again, remember: "Uh, be nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl. I got to be nice to the girl." And this is what motivates me. I try to be nice to my wife. I spend time with her, and I take her to lunch every day, and I'll take her shopping. "Well, Pastor Mark, do you like going shopping?" No, I hate it! You know, she drops me off at the bench with all the old guys, and I sleep with them, you know. Then she comes, picks me up, drops me off at another bench. You say, "Well, if you don't like it, then why do you do it?" I'll tell you why: 'cause I want some of this! I'm no idiot! You got to be nice to the girl. You got to pay attention to the girl. And really, single women—I don't know how many single women are watching this, but inevitably, there's single women here, and that's great, and a lot will be watching this—but you know, when a woman gives a man this before marriage, she is a nitwit of astronomical proportions! That's—you would never build a house and pay the contractor in advance. Are you hearing me? If you're going to build a $250,000 house—which here in Phoenix will get you a one-bedroom with nothing. Man, I got a huge condo on a lake in Wisconsin for 250, man. I'm telling you, here you got nothing! But anyway, you wouldn't pay the guy in advance, give him, "Here, here's the 250 grand." Do you know why? The house will never get done on time! He'll never do what he's promised to do. Why? Because that's just the nature of human beings. You pay them as they hit certain marks. Certain things are accomplished, you finish it, you give him some more, and then you wait till everything's right, and then you close. Why? Because that's the way people are wired. If you were just to give it to him, you would be a nitwit, a moron! That's what women are doing today. They're coughing this up front, which is every man's basic, fundamental interest in a woman. You've already given him everything he wants! And then you sit around and say, "Well, aren't you going to marry me? Aren't you going to spend more time with me? Aren't you—" No, he's not! "Pastor, why won't—" Because you're an idiot, that's why! Don't do that! Give him that thing—you make that boy earn it! If there ain't no ring, you ain't getting a thing, is what you need to tell him! No, seriously, girl, I don't know what—there's something that really happened in the female culture. I think it's because of the women's lib thing, and they think, "Well, now we can go out, we can be as sexual as men," and stuff like that. But they are fighting against their own interests. There are millions of women in America today that are so frustrated, they can never get this, they can never get this. You know why? 'Cause they're dumb! I'm serious, I don't mean it in a mean way, but they're doing a dumb thing by just coughing this up to every guy that comes along, thinking it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. Now, every woman's basic interest in a man is this. What a lot of women fail to recognize is the key to this is this. And if you touch that, he gives you the green light, you can touch this. "Say, Mark, I thought you said women weren't supposed to do that." Outside of marriage! Inside of marriage, you got to work it this way. Outside of marriage, you defeat yourself. But inside of marriage, you have to realize this is a very important deal. It is, it's huge! A lot of women treat this like a side issue. It is not a side issue in marriage, it is the central issue. It truly is. And I'm going to really explain this in greater detail tomorrow. You get this right, things will flow a lot better in your life. You try and discard this, "Well, it shouldn't be about that, he shouldn't be interested in sex, he's a pig, meh!" You are fighting now against your own interests doing it that way. You've got to be smart about this, girls. The key to this boy's heart—you know, they used to say when I was growing up that the key to a man's heart was his stomach, but they were about six inches too high. And this is important. I got to tell you, girls, if it weren't for this, we probably really wouldn't deal with y'all. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just telling you like it is. You know, you take that out of men, we just—I don't think we'd go through the trouble, honestly. This is a game you've got to let him know he can win with you, and we'll talk more about this in detail tomorrow. But the crazy thing about it, see, is the key to what you want, here's the door; and for the guys, for what you want, here's the door. And it is the perfect standoff. It is the ultimate standoff. People say, "What was God thinking?" People say that to me all the time, "What was God—" This is exactly what God was thinking. The key to you getting what you want is to give your spouse what they want. Now, it's not easy, and, you know, sometimes you'll mess up and, you know, but you got to constantly work for this. You can't all of a sudden disregard this. Some guys, you know, they never pay attention to the girl, they're never nice to the girl, and wonder how come they never get any sex. "I never get any sex, how come?" 'Cause you're an idiot! I mean, for crying out loud, be nice to the girl! You got to touch her heart, that's your key. But a lot of guys say, "You know, well, I told you I loved you once. If anything changes, I'll let you know! Wonder how come I'm not getting any sex." Well, 'cause you're just blowing it. You're blowing it. And girls, same thing with you. The key to this is this area here. Don't dismiss this. If you guys will flow in this thing, it works and it's great, and it's extremely powerful. It is the most powerful thing God ever designed to connect two people. And we'll get into it in a lot more detail tomorrow. All right. Men's brains, women's brains. Women's brains think: give, give, give, give, give, give. They just love to give. They're happiest when they're giving. You get a bunch of women together, and they're all giving to each other: "Oh, I love your hair! I love your shoes! I love your outfit!" Oh, they just love it. Now, men's brains are a little different. Men's brains think: take, take, take, take, take. And you get a bunch of men together, and we insult each other. We do! "You're fat. You're ugly. You smell." "Thanks, man!" You know, I mean, that's— So if women love to give, and men love to take, which way do you suppose the give-and-take goes in most relationships? That-a-way! Women think the answer is to give more. If they give more, it will inspire him to give back. Ain't going to happen, all right? You've got to learn, girls, that if you're going to be truly happy, you're going to have to learn how to take in your relationship. And women are fundamentally very uncomfortable in taking in their relationships. They just love to give, give, give, give, give, but you'll give yourselves to death. A lot of you just burn yourselves out. It's not unusual to have a woman and her husband come into my office, and she's been married for 25 years, and she says, "I've given and given to that man, I have nothing left to give!" You ever hear a woman say that? "Have nothing left to give," they're burned because they've just given so much. Then you look at the husband, and he goes, "I thought we had a good marriage." 'Cause it's been great for him! She's giving, he's taking, he's—this rocks! All right? So now, girls, I'm going to show you how you can take advantage and change that flow in your relationships. I'm going to show you how you can get a man to do what you want him to do, all right? Now, when I first say that, all the girls go, "Yes!" And all the boys go, "You sold me out, man!" But be cool, be cool, because the guys like this part. It's the women who hate it. I get more static from women over what I'm about to tell you because fundamentally, they hate taking in relationships. They think that he should just, you know, just give on his own. He should just give. You know, they're hoping, you know, when I say, "Get a guy to give to them," they're hoping I'll say, "Bad guy! Bad, bad, bad! You need to give more!" And that's what a lot of these people do in some of these seminars. They beat up on guys, "You need to be more..." No, the real key—I mean, I think we've established it doesn't work, okay? The real key is to change the woman's perspective and empower you, because you, in fact, have the power to change this. But a lot of women have been so affected by over-romanticized concepts in marriage that they don't understand this. They really think that, "If he really loved me, this would all just happen automatically! If he really cared about me, la-la-la-la-la-la-la." A lot of women really struggle with this concept because they tend to live in this false romantic fantasy land. "Somewhere over the rainbow... Way up high... All the other girls have such wonderful husbands... Why, oh, why can't I?" Girls, you can either sit around with your hearts broken all the time, or you can do something about it. And I'm going to show you what you can do: four simple steps how you can change this dynamic of give-and-take in your relationships, okay? Y'all ready? Here we go. Number one, how to get a man to do what you want him to do. Number one: you need to ask him more than once. Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him to do it at all. Why is that? Men are always in such a take mode. We're constantly take, take, take, take, take. We compete taking, we're in business taking, we're just in this take mode. And all of a sudden, his wife will say to him, "Honey, will you do such and such for me?" And his left brain says to his right brain, "You hear something?" His right brain goes, "Nope." It takes more than once to get through to the boy. Now, a lot of women, you know, they think that her husband is holding out on them, that we are sitting there intentionally not doing what you asked us to do just because we're full of hate. But I promise you, when you asked it, it went in one ear, spun around his Nothing Box, and shot out the other one! And he's—doesn't remember Jack about what you said. Now, when I was first studying this, I thought, "You know, this can't possibly be true. This has got to be inaccurate, because I'm married to a woman who has no problem asking me more than once, you know." "Honey, will you do such and such for me?" I go, "No." "Come on, sweetheart, do this for me." "No!" "Come on!" She's got the thing she pats my cheeks, "You're such a good husband, do this thing for me." "Okay!" You know, then I do it. So when I was first reading this, they were saying women only like to ask one time, I thought that can't possibly be true. And I remember I was in a church in Green Bay, Wisconsin, at the time. I was one of several pastors at a large church there. And before a service started, I thought, "You know, I'm going to ask some ladies, 'cause this can't possibly be right." So I quickly came up to a lady, I said, "Let me ask you a question." She said, "Yeah?" I said, "Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you?" She goes, "Pastor, you have no idea." She says, "I asked that man to paint the ceiling. That was back in October. It's March! He hasn't done it! He walks in every day, just..." I mean, she's just getting mad telling me about it, okay? And I said, "Okay, okay, okay. I get it. But let me ask you a question," 'cause remember, I want to prove what I just been reading wrong. I said, "Let me ask you a question. How many times did you ask him to do it?" And she stared at me like a dog at a new dish. She said, "Once!" I was stunned. I says, "Why wouldn't you ask him more than once?" She says, "I shouldn't have to!" Said, "You might want to try that." Got away from her. Went to another woman. I said, "Come here, come here." And she says, "What?" Let me ask you a question. Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you? She says, "Pastor, you have no idea." She says, "I will ask my husband, 'Honey, put away the laundry!' And I'll stick it right in the middle of the living room. And he didn't do it. He didn't do it. He just walks right over the top of it. He just walks around it. It sat there for a month!" And she asked me with all seriousness, she said, "Pastor, can't men see laundry?" I said, "Yeah, we can see it. Just doesn't mean a whole lot to us." You know. So anyway, she's just getting angry just telling me about it. So I said, "Okay, yeah, yeah, I get it. But let me ask you a question: how many times did you ask him to do it?" And that same startled look: "Once!" I was amazed. I said, "Once? Why wouldn't you ask more than once?" "I shouldn't have to!" Time was running out, church was going to start. I grabbed another lady real quick, "Come here, come here." She says, "What?" I said, "Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you?" She says, "Pastor, you have no—" apparently, I'm a complete idiot, 'cause I have no ideas. "You have no idea!" And she goes on to start living out the horrible transgressions of her idiot husband. And I asked the same question, "Okay, okay. But how many times did you ask him to do it?" "Once!" I said, "Why? Why wouldn't you ask more than once?" She says, "I shouldn't have to!" Ladies, are you listening to me? You have to! To just get mad and madder and madder and having a cow over nothing. He doesn't even remember what you said! You're thinking about—but then I learned something. The reason women find this so offensive is 'cause really, they don't want to ask the first time. It's true, you little sinners! Because over the rainbow, if he really loved me, I wouldn't have to ask! Oh, come on! Just ask him again! Ask him again, what's the big crime here? You know what it is? Is you resent the fact that he's resistant to do it, 'cause not only do you want him to do it, you want him to want to do it! You do! Well, I got news for you: we don't want to do it! We're never going to want to do it! If we wanted to do it, we'd have done it already! What do you care about the internal motivations of his heart? Stop! So he does it. I finally do something my wife wants me to do, I don't want to do it, I'm doing it. She's just Because she's getting something out of me. What's with this always analyzing the internal motivations of the guy's heart? I mean, you get yourself in all kinds of trouble. I was in Germany some months ago doing some seminars for the troops, rotating out of Iraq with the Army. This one lady tells me, she says, "You know what? My husband, if there are dirty dishes in the sink, he cleans them and puts them away." I go, "Yes? And?" She said, "Well, I asked him, 'Why do you do that?' And he said, ''Cause I hate dirty dishes!'" And she started crying. I said, "Lady, most women would think they died and went to heaven if their husbands..." "Yeah, but I wanted him to say, 'Oh, I do it because I love you!'" Who cares why he does it? Seriously, you've got to let up on this stuff. Leave him alone. Who cares what his motivations are, what his desires are? I'll tell you what most men's desires are: it's to do nothing! Okay, have we established that? So get him doing stuff for you, who cares why he wants to do it in his heart? Number two: you need to ask him the right way. Now, what does that mean? That means don't insult the boy. A lot of women think they can use insult as a way to motivate a man. Like, what are they smoking? That's not going to work! "What's the matter with you? Is that idiot? What's the matter, you aren't a man? What's the matter with you? Can't you pick up the laundry?" "No, I can't." Don't insult—you know why women do that? 'Cause it would work on them. If you insulted a woman, if you embarrassed a woman, she would change. She would do something about it. But you embarrass a guy, you insult a guy? We don't care! We just become more resistant. He's not a woman! Okay? Don't insult the boy. Insult is not a motivator for a man, all right? Number three: you need to train him with positive reinforcement. What does that mean? Well, training a man is kind of like training a chimpanzee. If the chimp does what you want, you give him a reward. If the chimp doesn't do what you want, you just don't give him the reward. You don't beat the snot out of the monkey! 'Cause then you got a freaked-out ape. Every time you come around, he'll just He'll run away from you. So, "Well, how does a woman reward a man?" Very simply: by appreciating the pathetic things he does. 'Cause men love to be appreciated. And the problem here is that women only like to appreciate unexpected kindness. If it's unexpected, they light up. But if it's expected, it's like, "Eh." You know, seriously, I mean, in the beginning of your relationship, that's how he got you to fall in love with you in the first place. See, 'cause everything he did was, "Oh! Oh!" Seriously, man, that's how you got her to fall in love. She knows you're ugly! How do you think you got such a beautiful woman like that? Because you were nice to her, and everything was, "Oh! Oh!" But after 32 years, it's hard to come up with unexpected, man, I'm telling you! But the more you appreciate the kindnesses that he does, the more he wants to do it. Men respond, they—men, I'm telling you, they love to be appreciated. Now, give you an example. I was at home, and I had a dirty dish in my hand, I was by myself, and I'd actually gotten trained to the point I could put it away in the dishwasher. And I went up to the dishwasher, and I opened it up, but it was full of clean dishes. And that's a moral dilemma to a man, isn't it? So finally, it dawns on my little brain: empty the dishwasher. So without being asked, I emptied the dishwasher, and I put everything away, and then, of course, I stick around, 'cause I want to see what happens. Why? 'Cause I love to be appreciated. So my wife comes home, she goes over to the dishwasher, and goes, "Huh! You emptied the dishes! You're such a good husband!" And I eat it up, you know. Now, guys, get a clue here. I know it's hard, but she loves unexpected kindness. You need to learn to give her unexpected things, unexpected little things. That's how you can keep a woman crazy in love with you in that way. I told my guys I want to write a book: "365 Unexpected Things a Man Can Do for a Woman." And I thought about it, and I went, "52 unexpected..." Can't do that every day! You know, what was I thinking? Because they light up, they light up. You know, sometime ago, when I was first doing this, I couldn't afford to take my wife with me, and so I was doing a lot of traveling by myself. And I was at a grocery store, gas station, I was paying for the gas, and I saw one of these rack of greeting cards. And this one caught my eye, it said, "My favorite place to be is wherever you are." I thought, "Oh, I should get that. How much is that? A buck fifty." Do you hear these women? Are you—the minute I get—"Oh, you ruined it! You just ruined that! And it was—well, it was a motive of the heart!" I just wanted to see how much it was, that's all! Something wrong with y'all! Anyway, so a buck fifty. I went, "Okay, buck fifty, I can do that." So I paid a buck fifty, and I signed it, I took it home, and I put it in the kitchen. I want to stick around, see what happens. And she eventually comes in, and all of a sudden, she goes, "A card!" And she opens it up, and it says, "My favorite place to be is wherever you are." I got to tell you, boys, it was the best buck fifty I ever spent in my life! But we'll talk more about that tomorrow. Okay, now, number four: barter with him. Now, how does that work? Very simply: you become aware of something he wants to do, you know you got something you want him to do for you, and you just say to him, "Honey, would you like to do this thing you would like to do?" "Yeah?" "Well, do this for me, and you can do that." "What's the catch?" "There's no catch." So now he's doing it, it's a straight-out, it's just, you know. So guys like this thing, because we know what the rules are. And men are used to bartering, you know, that's why we do what we do in life. That's why we go out and work. I got to promise you, if they didn't pay us, we probably wouldn't do it. You know. "Okay, how much you like your job if they didn't give you the cash?" I don't think you'd do the job. It's all part of the bartering system. Men like that, okay? Now, the strongest bartering tool a woman has, we'll talk about tomorrow. "Oh, that's terrible!" I had one lady say to me, "Doesn't that make me a prostitute?" Said, "He's your husband, for crying out loud!" Women have no idea the power they hold over us. They have no idea. I'm telling you, you could get a guy to do almost anything. You just come up to that boy and find something disgusting like cleaning the garage, and say, "Hey, baby. How'd you like to..." "Why, yes, I would!" "Well, I tell you what: you go clean the garage, and then come and find me." Man, you got yourself a motivated boy! I was listening to Dr. John Gray talk along these lines. He's the guy who wrote that book, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," really a brilliant guy. And he was telling the story of how his wife came up to him, said, "John, take me to the opera." And he said, "I don't want to go to the opera. Hate the stupid opera. Dress up like a penguin and go out there and..." And right there, a lot of you girls would have just went, "I think I'll eat worms and die." She didn't. She knew about this stuff. She just asked him again later: "Hey, John?" "Yeah?" "Take me to the opera." "No." "John?" "Yeah?" "Take me to the opera!" "Okay." So now she's a happy girl. Now he's all dressed up like a penguin, taking her to the opera, and right there, a lot of you girls would go, "Wish my stupid husband would take me to the opera! You got such a—" I'll tell—seriously, a lot of you girls, you envy other women's husbands because they're always doing things, but you don't understand. The women who get their husbands doing this stuff know exactly what I'm talking about. They do this all the time. You sit around with your heart broken because he won't do these things. You think he should just cosmically do them on his own! I mean, "Somewhere over the rainbow..." So he takes her to the opera, endures this mind-numbing experience. On the way home, she's holding his hand, just lit up, and he says when we—when we got home, and I pulled into the garage, as soon as the garage door closed, she reached over and grabbed me and made love to me right in the car in the garage. I assume they weren't driving a subcompact. You figure it out. Anyway, so anyway, the next morning, he gets up early, and Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, how much are season tickets to the opera? Men's brains, women's brains. Women's brains, they don't think very highly of themselves. "I'm too fat. I'm too tall. I'm too oily." Now, men's brains, we think very highly of ourselves. We love us! Just ask, we'll tell you. All you got to do is point a camera at a bunch of women and watch them freak. "Ah! Ah! Turn it off! Turn it off, ah! Sanctuary! I'm a hideous monster!" Point a camera at a bunch of guys, what do you get? You ever watch a woman walk by a bunch of mirrors in a mall? You ever watch a guy? "Still got it." A lot of women, they give me such a drag because their husbands try to be nice to them and compliment them and be—"No, I'm ugly!" And why do you do that? Here's a secret: you want him to like you. Why are you pushing him away? You know, that's such a—such a drag. Ladies, do you know there are three billion women in the world who don't look like supermodels, and only eight who do? Are you seeing a pattern there? Do you know Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14? Not too many guys going, "I don't know, she's a little chubby, I think, for me." Did you know if Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours? Explain it to her later, okay? "I don't understand." Okay. Do you know the models in magazines, they're airbrushed? Do you know what that means? That means even those women don't look like those women! You know, constantly staring at these pictures, comparing yourself to these perfect women, man, I'd get depressed too. Man, my wife will buy one of those women's magazines, they're like this thick, it's like an encyclopedia. 98% of it are just ads, pictures of other women, beautiful, gorgeous, airbrushed women. Good night! Do you know one out of every four college-age white girls has an eating disorder? Can I be politically incorrect here? You know who really has a problem in this area? You white women. It's a documented fact. Women of color generally don't have this problem. You ever see a Hispanic woman, they walk around like they own the world. Black women, they carry themselves— "What are you looking at?" Typical white woman: I mean, come on! I was watching this movie with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah. Have you seen this movie? She's like the hot babe in this movie. She's a healthy girl, Jack. She's all over the place! But you know what? She came across as very sexy in that movie. You know why? Girls, men are not looking for perfect women. You know what's attractive to a man? A confident woman. When women carry themselves in a confident way like that, it's very attractive to a man. You just be who you are, just carry yourself with confidence. So you're not perfect, so what? Nobody's perfect. Even the perfect women aren't perfect. Now, tomorrow, I'm going to be sharing with you when we do our little talk about sex, I'm going to be reading from—from one of the most amazing books. It's one of the most ancient books about sex, and it's in the Bible. It's called the Song of Songs, or the Song of Solomon. And it's a very sexual book. A lot of people miss it because they're very poetic. They talk about pomegranates in bloom, and secret gardens, and people go, "Man, these people sure are into gardening, what's the deal here?" No, no, it's not gardening, okay? It's about sex. We're going to look at that tomorrow. But tonight, I want to just take a quick look at halfway through this book, he describes this woman that he's absolutely crazy about. I want you to just see his description of her. He says this: He says, "How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter!" So apparently, she had great feet. "Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman's hands." So she had great feet, great legs. "Your navel is a rounded goblet." So she's got great feet, great legs, but she's got an outie. "Your waist is a mound of wheat." So she's got great feet, great legs, outie, and a potbelly thing happening. "Your breasts are like two fawns..." So she's got great feet, great legs, outie, potbelly, and little boobs. "Your neck is like an ivory tower." So she's got great feet, great legs, outie, potbelly, little boobs, and a big neck! "Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus." Like, now I think they can see it from Lebanon! So she's got great feet, great legs, outie, potbelly, little boobs, big neck, and a huge schnoz! What does he say about her? He goes, "Oh, how beautiful you are, and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!" He was crazy about this woman. Men's brains, women's brains. Give, give, give, take, take, take, give, give, take, take, give, give, give, take, take, take. By the way, on this area of give-and-take, a lot of women have really been—now I'm speaking particularly to Christian organizations and Christian women's clubs, you know, they have these Christian women's retreats and stuff. I call them estrogen fests. And they're wonderful, they're great, if you're a woman, I guess. But a lot of you—I know what they're trying to say, but a lot of you've really gotten bad information, or at least faulty information. This is what's being said at a lot of these. What they're saying is: unconditional love demands an unconditional relationship. "Unconditional love demands an unconditional relationship. You should do anything for this man. You should just put out for this man. If he wants sex, no matter what, just give it to him, just la-la-la-la-la-la-la." It all sounds spiritual, and it all sounds wonderful. The only problem is: it is patently false! Unconditional love demands a conditional relationship! The Bible is nothing if it is not a one big, gigantic list of conditions. Are you hearing me? "Well, doesn't God just love everybody?" Yeah. "Whosoever—God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that" what? "Whosoever believes." Conditional! You actually have to do something. Yes! You want God to get close to you? You know what the Bible says? What do you have to do? "Conditions!" You have—the whole thing is—an unconditional—I'm sorry, yeah, yeah, an unconditional relationship will destroy your marriage. It will destroy any relationship. An unconditional relationship with a child will create a hellion. An unconditional relationship with a teenager, he'll destroy himself and take everybody he can with him. It is not healthy, it is not good, it is not holy. It sounds right, but it is not right. You girls need to get comfortable with this idea of taking in your relationships, putting some conditions. Now, the stronger the relationship, the stronger the conditions can be. You need to be careful, all right? And I know I'm putting a lot of weight on the girls tonight, I'll beat up on the guys tomorrow. But the stronger the relationship, the stronger the conditions. You got to be careful. It's kind of like, you know, if I play hide-and-seek with my grandsons, you know, you hide behind something, you know, that they can still see you. "All right, come and find me!" You know, you don't play hide-and-seek with a two-year-old and run into the basement and hide under boxes! 'Cause he won't get it, he just, you know. So you got to watch the conditions. In a healthy relationship, you can have higher and stronger conditions. But you're not going to get there if you just never require something out of the guy, okay? And some guys, you know, they don't like any conditions. But guys, this is healthy. It's not right for her to constantly be giving to you and never getting anything back. And girls, you can change them, but you got to get comfortable. This is healthy for your relationships to take back. Most guys don't mind you taking back. What we get frustrated with is you expecting us to be like you, that we're going to do this cosmically like you, or we're going to somehow interpret your internal feelings, and we don't do that well, okay? But this is a healthy thing for you. I had a lady at a conference just a few weeks ago, she's crying her eyes out. And I said, "What's the matter?" She says, "My husband, he'll never talk to me." I says, "Never?" "Never. If he would just talk to me, just for a little bit, I'd feel so much better." She just crying. I said, "How's your love life?" "Oh, it's okay." I said, "Well, let me see if I get this. A man who never talks to you, when he wants sex, you just give it to him?" "Yeah." I said, "Well, why do you do that?" "Well, because I'm supposed to! That's what we're told!" I said, "Sweetheart, you've gotten bad information." "Well, doesn't the Bible say we shouldn't deny each other?" Of course. But denial doesn't mean—or acceptance doesn't mean you can't have conditions. Here's an example: if you're trying to get a mortgage for your home, and the bank calls you up and says, "Hey, you have been accepted! We have approved your loan! You just need to come sign some papers," and they hang up. Have you been rejected or accepted? You just been accepted, man, you're excited! Cool, cool, cool. But you have to go do what? Sign some papers! You don't go, "That stupid bank! They were going to give me that money, but now I got to sign papers!" I mean, come on! I said, "The next time your husband wants to make love to you, you say, 'Honey, I will knock your socks off. But we're going to talk for five minutes first.'" That's fine! That's healthy! "You can do that?" Yeah, you can do that! And most guys don't mind. You know, again, get us in that position, start taking back from us. But again, you got to be careful, you got to be careful. If your relationship's real weak, you can't be demanding real heavy things. The heavier—the stronger the relationship, the tougher you can be. Here's an example: my wife, we have a very good relationship. All summer long, she's been telling me to kill the spiders in the house, and in the garage, and the outside around the house. We live near water, and spiders love water, and there's spiders everywhere. And I went and bought the poison and stuff to kill them, but I didn't feel like doing it. So So she was on me for weeks about killing the spiders. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that, yeah, yeah." So finally, she walks in one morning, and she just is as happy as can be, and everything's good, and she says, "Oh, by the way, no more sex until you kill the spiders." And she walked away! Well, the first day, I didn't kill any stupid spiders. Second day, no, I didn't kill any stupid spiders. Third day, I'm killing every spider within miles of that place! I was, "Kill him, die, you stupid spider!" I sprayed our house, I sprayed the neighbor's houses, man, I sprayed everything! Did I want to do it? No! Did she care? Nope! She's getting stuff out of the boy. Men's brains, women's brains. In closing, I want to talk to you about how men's brains and women's brains are portrayed in movies. You have guy flicks, and you have chick flicks. Now, a guy flick is only a guy flick as long as somebody is dying. And the more horribly they die, the more we love it. You know, some guy gets his head chopped off, we go, "Oh, yes! Dude, rewind that, man! Oh, that's got to hurt! Oh, play it again, play it again!" We love it! And you know what? This appeals to all men of every culture around the world. There is something God put in the heart of every man that just lights up at the idea of living your adventures and conquering your adversaries and going for your dreams! You see it even in the smallest of boys. You girls that have little boys, you know what I'm talking about. They're always doing something dangerous. "Stop that! Stop that, you're going to poke your eye out!" "That's the point, Mom. If you can't lose an eye, what's the point of playing?" It wasn't a woman who invented football. No, we like that. There's something just blesses the heart of a man when he watches one man kick another man's butt. Yeah! Yeah! Light up on the inside, just We love it! I believe God put that—I tell you, you can't possibly read the Bible and not see that God is a first-class, number-one, grade-A butt-kicker. Not a chance! Man, even at the end of the Bible, it says someday Jesus is going to come back, and He's going to be riding on a white horse, and His robes are going to be dipped in the sweetest perfume that He got from Bath & Body Works. Is that what it says? No, no. Robes are going to be dipped in what? Blood! And all the men go, "Dude! Dude, blood! That means somebody's going to get their butts kicked!" We love it! Now, women's movies, chick flicks, are a little different. Chick flicks are about connecting the wires. You know, a chick flick can be two and a half hours of four women sitting around a kitchen table talking. And she'll be watching it, going, And her husband's watching it with her, going, "I want to kill myself! These stupid movies..." But she just loves it. And these movies, they appeal to all women of every culture in the world. Why? There's something God put in the heart of every woman that says, "Connect the wires. Connect the wires. It's all about relationships, it's relationships." One of the reasons why married men make more money than single men is that married men become more skilled in their relationships and become more successful in life. They become more valuable to their employers. Because when a man marries a woman, he's marrying a handbook on relationships. It's true. It's absolutely true. Single men remain as they came into the world: clueless. Married men get feedback, and they start learning. But you got to listen to her. Now, we don't like listening to you. I got to be honest with you. I'll come up with some great plan, and my wife will say, "Better not do that." "Woman, what are you talking about?" "I'm telling you, it's a bad idea." "Yeah, guys? Yeah, we better not do that. Yeah. I just feel it in my spirit." Now, as different as the chick flicks and the guy flicks are from each other, there is one theme they both share that is the same, and that is this: the hero always goes back for the girl. You see it in the guy flicks, man. They're just fighting their battles, and they're on the edge of victory, and suddenly, the hero starts to pull back, and his men say, "Where are you going?" And he says, "Go on without me, boys. I got something I got to do." And at great risk to himself, he goes back for the girl. And he rescues the girl. And guys watch that on the screen, and we go Women have the same theme: the boy always comes back for her. I was watching this chick flick, "Jerry Maguire." Have you seen this one? And in this movie, they had broken up, and finally, he wins the big contract, and he realizes it doesn't mean anything 'cause he doesn't have her. And he quick hops on a plane, and he flies home, and he walks into the house, and she's there with a bunch of her girlfriends, and he walks in unexpectedly, and they all look up, and he goes, "Uh, hello." And she says, "What are you doing here?" And he starts to explain to her that he had finally succeeded and gotten everything he dreamed of, but it meant nothing without her. And he said to her that, "You complete me." And she goes, "You had me at hello!" And all the girls see that, and they all go, "Oh, yes! Yes, yes!" All I'm saying to you boys is this: do what's in your heart. Live your dreams, live your adventures, overcome your obstacles. Do what you got to do. Just don't forget about the girl. I've never met a man who was a financial success and who had lost his family, who ever said to me, "You know, it was worth it." It's never worth it. Don't be like Adam. You remember Adam in the Garden of Eden? Women say, "Where would you be without women?" I say, "Garden of Eden." But That's just a joke. I know it's not fair. Really, Adam's job was to guard the garden, to take care of the garden. He fell down on the job. When that serpent came around, he should have kicked that thing out on its butt. I don't know if serpents had butts, but they don't now! When God takes care of you, man, I'm telling you, you lose your butt all together! But you know what happened? He didn't do anything. "Well, how do you know that?" Because if you read the story, Eve listened to the story and then took of the forbidden fruit and then turned and handed it to whom? Adam! Ah, she didn't have to go running through the jungle going, "Adam! Where you at, boy? I know you're here!" He was right there the whole time. He said nothing. He did nothing. Do you know why? 'Cause he was a coward. He was a coward and the father of cowards. Of men who claim to be men, but they're no more men than the man in the moon. They are spineless jellyfish impersonators who are afraid to engage their wives, afraid to engage their children. You, sir, are no man. Don't be like that Adam. You need to be like the second Adam. You see, the Bible refers to Jesus Christ as the second Adam. The first Adam messed everything up; the second Adam set everything straight. And at great cost to Himself, He came back for the girl. He came back for you and for me. That is a man! You need to be like that. Live your adventures, yes. Go for your dreams, yes. Overcome your obstacles, yes, yes, yes! Just don't forget about the girl! Don't get so caught up in your puking little life you forget about her. You start working too late at some point, you just stand up and start heading for the door. All the guys will say, "Hey, where are you going?" Just say, "Go on without me, boys. I got something I got to do." And then go back for the girl, surrounded in the camp of the enemy by wild monsters. "You mean like in the movies?" "No, I mean your children!" All I'm saying to you is: do what's in your heart. It's in the heart of every man here, and it's in the heart of every woman here. Don't forget about her. Don't neglect her. Do what you need to do, but make sure that you go back for the girl. Are you glad you came tonight?

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Mark Gungor
Debbie Gungor
Dr. John Gray

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eprint.iacr.orgpaper

Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains

Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains

Overview

Contents

0:00 Introduction and Relational Physics

6:21 The Ox and the Manger: Accepting Marital Messes

8:38 Statistical Benefits of Marriage

16:00 Men's Brains (Boxes) vs. Women's Brains (Ball of Wire)

The Male Brain: Compartmentalized Boxes

The Female Brain: The Interconnected Ball of Wire

19:42 The Male "Nothing Box"

23:53 Stress Handling and Communication Dynamics

32:08 Vocabulary Differences and Decoding Signals

Breakdown of Terms:

38:15 Single-Tasking vs. Multi-Tasking and Selective Hearing

57:30 The Mechanics of Intimacy: The Heart and the Stand-Off

Key Elements of the Intimacy Cycle:

78:05 How to Get a Man to Do What You Want

1. Ask Him More Than Once

2. Ask Him the Right Way

3. Train Him with Positive Reinforcement

4. Barter with Him

99:27 Body Image and Self-Perception: The Song of Solomon

116:56 Guy Flicks, Chick Flicks, and Going Back for the Girl

Theological and Relational Conclusion

Data & Visuals Index

Key Takeaways

Transcript

Rerandomizable Garbling for Arithmetic Circuits

On Secure Sorting and Its Application to Privacy-Preserving Graph Pattern Matching

Cryptanalysis and Repair of "Decentralized Multi-authority ABE for NC$^1$ from BDH"

Security Engineering is a Context Problem

Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains

Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains

Overview

Contents

0:00 Introduction and Relational Physics

6:21 The Ox and the Manger: Accepting Marital Messes

8:38 Statistical Benefits of Marriage

16:00 Men's Brains (Boxes) vs. Women's Brains (Ball of Wire)

The Male Brain: Compartmentalized Boxes

The Female Brain: The Interconnected Ball of Wire

19:42 The Male "Nothing Box"

23:53 Stress Handling and Communication Dynamics

32:08 Vocabulary Differences and Decoding Signals

Breakdown of Terms:

38:15 Single-Tasking vs. Multi-Tasking and Selective Hearing

57:30 The Mechanics of Intimacy: The Heart and the Stand-Off

Key Elements of the Intimacy Cycle:

78:05 How to Get a Man to Do What You Want

1. Ask Him More Than Once

2. Ask Him the Right Way

3. Train Him with Positive Reinforcement

4. Barter with Him

99:27 Body Image and Self-Perception: The Song of Solomon

116:56 Guy Flicks, Chick Flicks, and Going Back for the Girl

Theological and Relational Conclusion

Data & Visuals Index

Key Takeaways

🗣️ Transcript

Rerandomizable Garbling for Arithmetic Circuits

On Secure Sorting and Its Application to Privacy-Preserving Graph Pattern Matching

Cryptanalysis and Repair of "Decentralized Multi-authority ABE for NC$^1$ from BDH"

Security Engineering is a Context Problem

Transcript